


Musings of Love

by Miyo02



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: AlLena - Freeform, F/M, Falling In Love, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, Love Confessions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-12-21 15:57:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21077540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Miyo02/pseuds/Miyo02
Summary: Maybe, love is not just that four-lettered word. Maybe love is just a thought. Maybe love is being complete. Maybe love is jealousy. Maybe love is just being with that person. Maybe love is timing. Maybe love is fear. Maybe love is appreciation. Maybe love is patience and faith. Maybe love is something to be discovered, not defined. And maybe, love is...?In times of war, is there still room for love between two exorcists?[Crossposted to FFN (but this one is the updated version)]





	Musings of Love

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fic I wrote back in 2015 for FFnet and even if it wasn't perfect (the original had lots of mistakes), it's one of those that I'm still proud to have written even now. It's hard to be active in the D.Gray-Man fandom anymore when we barely have any canon news but it will always hold a special place in my heart.   
I haven't read any other DGM fics for years, nor have I browsed AO3's collection, but I'll just edit and post this anyway.

_What is it like to fall in love? _

It's a thought that Allen Walker barely thinks of or probably something that only crosses his mind once, twice, or even close to seldom. As a child, all he had in mind was to survive in that vague memory that was at the same time sharp enough to stab his heart. It reminded him so much of the cold that he felt hollow inside whenever the haziness fills him in. He didn't only remember what it was like to be alone. He _felt_ what it was like to be alone in this world full of hate with creeping monsters who dare to call themselves humans. But Allen knew how worse they were than the akuma, who suffer in the midst of wreckage.

But after meeting Mana, he discovered the will to live happily, by someone's side. He was one of the reasons why Allen wanted to be alive despite the coldness that wasn't caused by the fated winter they met. His bland and white world was dyed with vibrant colors, much more beautiful than the auroras he watches every night. Yet just like how Mana arrived in his life, so did the Earl of Millennium.

However, unlike Mana, all the Earl did was destroy his newly-formed dreams and newfound happiness; which eventually gave him his days with Marian Cross. Though his young life was spared, the reason behind it still remains unanswered, as if he was left in the dark that was harder to live by with all the sunshine robbed by the clouds.

Now that years have passed, he has grown accustomed to the life of an exorcist, vowing to save both the humans and the akuma. More than the job description, he even grew fond of the Black Order, treating it like a family he never asked for. So falling in love seems to be a trivial matter right now that he has found his new purpose.

He keeps meeting more people. He keeps saving _akuma_. He keeps gaining friends and allies - much closer to his heart than he had expected to. He is not just forming a group where he finds a sense of belongingness, but he is sharing his life with these people.

What else does he need? Being here seems to make him complete that he does not need anything anymore. Being with them_ is_ what makes him complete. He has a lot of questions about the Black Order, the Innocence, the Noah, the Earl, and of course matters between him and the 14th, but all of that seems to not matter when he's at ease with the people he loves.

It doesn't matter. Nothing matters.

Or so he forcibly thinks.

"Lenalee..." the name comes out in an unsure whisper. 

_Ah Lenalee Lee_. Who is she? Who is she to him? A friend? Obviously a friend, a really precious one, but what kind? A best friend? But that seems to be an understatement for this relationship that has been tested by many trials involving life and death. They've gone through a lot and maybe she is something "...more?" than what he thinks of her. She's probably something more than his formed image of her.

Allen scratches his head in a mix of confusion and frustration. Why does he have to think of such questions (and probably answers)?

A light shade of red forms on his cheeks. Sprawled on his bed in his (and Link's) room, he stares at the ceiling letting himself drown again in his pool of thoughts.

He really wouldn't be thinking about this if Lenalee isn't one of the fewer population of women in the Black Order. In fact, the people in the Order wouldn't _make him think_ of this if Lenalee isn't a girl and if he isn't a boy sharing a great amount of closeness. Their difference in genders is something that never bothered him until the people around them started making a big deal out of their relationship.

He gets up in a sitting position and thinks of the origin of this stress and confusion. He sighs after realizing that the burden started because of the ever-loving big brother Komui Lee–who suspects any guy who approaches his _Lenalee-chwan_ as a suitor _slash_ a-must-be-destroyed-entity. Allen is well aware of Komui's tendencies after working with him for years. He still respects him in a lot of ways but probably loses it when he goes berserk over his sister-complex issues.

He sighs. That _is_ the issue. Komui suspects _any_ guy but for some reason, has a special eye on him. He thinks it was just his imagination but the earlier events had to prove him wrong after his many attempts to not taint Komui's image in his head.

* * *

_Allen just came back from a mission and was on his way with Link Howard and two finders to the central office to report. _

_"I'm hungry," he muttered. If he wasn't a responsible exorcist (or Link wasn't watching him), he probably wouldn't hand in his report but would rather spend his first step in the kitchen. _

_His stomach growled in return. "Oh you really understand my pain, buddy," he reached out to stroke his 'buddy'. "I know you miss Jerry too, I do too. Let us endure this together."_

_With the word 'buddy' coming out of his lips, he remembered something. It seemed that his golden friend is nowhere to be seen. Odd. It always felt foreign to not have Timcanpy around when they've been together for how long already._

_"Hey, has anyone seen Tim?" he asked abandoning his thoughts about hunger. The golden golem was just with him moments ago too. "At least that's what I believe so," he murmured 'cause making it audible for everyone to hear didn't seem to matter._

_Before anyone opened their mouths, a female screech was heard, "Kyaaaaah!"_

_The white-haired exorcist instantly knew who owned that voice. Aside from the fact that the Order lacked female staff, his senses seemed to be more sensitive than usual when it came to her. As if instincts just dictated him to be overprotective of her ever since they got separated after Suman Dark's demise._

_"Lenalee!?" he called in between worry, and at the sight of her figure being pulled to his direction; while..."T-Timcanpy!?"_

_Timcanpy was eagerly biting Lenalee's skirt and bringing her to where he was standing. _

_"A-Allen-kun!? You're back? Welcome back!" The earlier distress and confusion that graced her face melted in an instant. A silver platter was fixedly put in her arms and she wore a smile that made him feel warm. It was a feeling that made him feel like he was really at home. Weird enough, as part of a travelling circus as a kid, and walking with Mana, Allen really never felt what it was like to have a home. Somehow, it's really just Lenalee who made him feel this way._

_It looked like she was helping the Science division like her usual free days and he felt relief rush in him to see her without wounds right now. Some missions can just be really tough but he wouldn't want to be 'used' to seeing her wounded despite being a soldier like him._

_Allen was in a daze. It had been a while ever since he was able to talk to Lenalee. They've both been pretty busy in missions in which they worked separately. And with the circumstances given that he was supervised by Link and Lenalee's crystalized innocence was under surveillance as well, it didn't really contribute to them spending more time together like before. "Yes... thanks," he manages to say and recovering his words. "More than that, Tim stop that!"_

_Timcanpy let go leaving small holes on Lenalee's skirt, flew, and smacked himself to Allen's face. "What was that for!?" Timcanpy simply grinned and nudged Allen to come closer to Lenalee. For a golem with a small body, he sure was forceful._

_Lenalee giggled and smiled, not minding the worn-out threads left by Timcanpy. Allen's presence mattered the most. "You look great Allen-kun! You're not heavily-wounded, thank goodness," she pointed at his bruised left cheek, "...but be sure to treat this one as well even though it's small." _

_Allen smiled. Was she reading his thoughts? She had similar ones in mind and that made him glad. He opened his mouth to speak._

_But just when he thought things won't have to go wrong, another screech was heard. "Lenalee-chwaaaaaaaaaaaaaan what happened?! I heard you screaming!" Komui's voice rang in their ears as he stepped into the scene with brisk and solid steps._

_The supervisor halted. "Oh if it isn't... Walker?" _

_His lips curved to that smile that never failed to give Allen the chills. _Oh and was that a drill in his hands...?

* * *

He sighs, refusing to remember the events that followed after that but it involved three Komurins chasing him and a Komui laughing maniacally. His screams were probably louder than Lenalee's too. The worst part is that he doesn't even know why Komui had to act like that.

He didn't even touch Lenalee, not that he has no intention of touching her... "What are you thinking Walker!?" _Touching? Lenalee? Not that he meant it indecently or anything but...!_ Allen's face grows furiously red. The color soon drains as Komui's laughter echoes in his head right after.

Allen thanks the gods that Johnny 'borrowed' Timcanpy for a while and Link's not with him supervising him or he would have a hard time hiding his thoughts and emotions. Currently, the aforementioned supervisor's at the main office reporting Komui's _slacking off_. He also volunteered to deliver the report of their mission. Link insisted that he needed rest after Komui's 'harassment'.

The exorcist couldn't think of a better word for that.

Again it bothers him. Why is Komui eyeing him like that? It's not like he's the only guy she's close to, considering that there are more male species in the organization. (He says male species because he wouldn't be surprised to see Komui enraged by a male dog approaching his sister).

Lenalee considers the Black Order as her family and as her world, and probably it is deeper than his own feelings for it. She is close to Lavi and Kanda too, who were already in the Order even before him.

_Great point, why not Ba-Kanda?_ Why won't Komui just hunt Ba-Kanda instead of poor him? After all, Lenalee's been with Kanda ever since she was eight. Though the _samurai_ seems like a jerk (or really a jerk), Allen has to admit that Lenalee and Kanda have a rather close relationship. He finds it hard to believe at first considering how Kanda hated everybody but he did notice how Lenalee could get Kanda to follow an order. Well, _her order _specifically.

"Maybe, Lenalee just has that special power on anybody..."

Now that he's thought of it, it somehow makes him angry. His eyebrows meet in frustration. Why is it that Kanda can have that kind of relationship with Lenalee and yet not be bothered by Komui? Or is he just troubled that Ba-Kanda's _that_ close to _his_ Lenalee?

Allen smacks his face to a nearby table. Now his face's all red for two reasons, the table being the other one. "She's not mine, to begin with."

The growing frustration in him seems to be from unfamiliar territory. He has no idea what it is. Or rather, he doesn't know what to do if he finds out what it is. He seems to be a possessive young man. Yet he shrugs at the term and lets his thoughts fly, knowing that it's the only way to ease himself from the thought. How can he be possessive when Lenalee is not _a thing to be owned_? She is her own person. 

But his thoughts betray him. Because deep inside him, maybe he really wanted her to be his even in the tiniest bit. Maybe that's why he craved to have more time with her, to just feel her be in his little world even for a short while.

Rubbing his whole face with his right hand, his left cheek stings. "Oww," oh right, she did tell him to cast a band aid on it however small it was. He chuckles at the irony. Despite the numerous wounds he had before, even small scratches can make him wince. He actually thinks he has grown in a way that he can endure more pain now. Or maybe, it's just Lenalee pointed it out to him, that's why he became aware of that small wound.

He chuckles again, realizing how Lenalee affects him even in the simplest ways. Way before, on one of their first missions together, she had to slap him out of his senses. She didn't a while ago, but it made him aware of things he usually ignored, especially when it comes to himself.

The now bothered, confused and <strike>_jealous _</strike>frustrated exorcist drags his feet to the cupboard by the window. He opens the drawer to grab a band aid and cover that small scratch on his face. He smiles, remembering Lenalee's words. His thoughts and realizations don't really matter. Right now, he's just happy that she cares for him in whatever way.

"HAHAHA!"

His ears perk a bit at the sound of the laughter. The said laughter is loud enough to catch his attention and his sharp hearing didn't fail him to recognize the owner of the voice. Judging by the blocked and distant sound, he guesses that the source is from outside. Curiously, Allen peers out the window pane by slightly brushing the curtain out of the way.

It's Lavi. 

"As expected," but the smile on his lips falls upon seeing what's happening below.

* * *

"It's not really a laughing matter Lavi," Lenalee says in embarrassment. Their current topic is her brother under a one-week probation. It feels like Komui's a student under detention because of bullying.

Lavi hugs his stomach with tears gracing his cheeks. "I just can't HAHAHA! That Sis-Com!" The thought of Komui under detention just tickles every part of his body enough to make him cry tears of joy. The best part is that, no matter how loud he laughed, the chief officer is nowhere near him to punish him. "He's probably sitting in _seiza*_ fashion while being scolded by Brigitte-san!"

(A/N: _seiza_\- proper sitting position; sitting position with butt on legs and heels; can be very uncomfortable/painful for those who are not used to it)

Lenalee narrows her eyes at the other exorcist. Right after the short deliberation, it is decided that she has to go on Class C and D missions around neighboring towns just to be away from her brother for a while. Normally, the Order wouldn't interfere with her relationship with her brother, but with Link Howard in the background, his brother's slacking cannot be ignored. It's the only way to punish him.

Lavi who heard the decision accompanies her to the exit to see her off. It's a sweet gesture and she appreciates it greatly.

Yet she smiles sadly. She knows that her brother can be very childish and overprotective but it will be really lonely to not see him for another week. "Well I'll be off then, Lavi."

The eye-patch-wearing-exorcist is interrupted on his merry laughter. Lenalee is really affected. He couldn't blame her. Though no one brings it up on any discussions, tension has been building up in the Order ever since Allen's surveillance. He places his left hand on Lenalee's head, tousling her short hair. He'd always frown when he saw how it looked on her when it got burnt. The long silky hair tied in twin tails had always been her trademark. But right now the length of her hair reminds him of time moving forward and it does suit her.

"Sheesh. It's just a week, your brother needs a lesson. Besides, ya should be bothered by something, it's that your boyfriend was nearly killed y'know."

Lenalee coughs out the word, "B-b-boyfriend...!"

_Bingo._ Lavi mentally pats himself at the back, for being a genius. "Isn't he?" he asks as he enjoys looking at that face she's making.

"Not..." _Yet._

It's been a while ever since she talked to Allen and unfortunately, it was interrupted a while ago. She feels glad to be able to speak a few words, but he isn't even able to reply. She at least wants to hear his voice a bit more.

There were a lot of things she wanted to ask. There are a lot of things she wants to talk about. There are a lot of expressions she wanted to share with him. Though, whatever those things are, it doesn't really matter. In the end, all she wants is to spend time with him; even if they are to stay in silence she wouldn't mind. Whether he is smiling, or even crying, she wouldn't mind either. She just wants to be with him, that's all. Is that too much to ask?

She blushes and starts punching Lavi's shoulder. "Just stop it already!"

"What the? I didn't even say anything yet-oww! Hey, that really hurt Lenalee! Your punches are strong too y'know!" _Lavi notes to blame Yuu for Lenalee's increasing strength due to their daily spars._

"S-sorry..." Now embarrassed because of her reactions, she bows a bit. Really, it's Lavi who brought up the idea after all. But she does feel guilty for lashing it all out on him. The frustration is just getting to her. It's like the Order is trying to keep her away from the people she loves.

Lavi laughs. Hard. In a mischievous manner. He gets a loud smack on his arm because of that. Maybe she really doesn't feel guilty for hitting him.

* * *

She is blushing. That is the first thing Allen notices when his gaze falls on her. At first she has a small disappointed and down expression, but somehow it makes him glad to see it disappear quickly. Is it Lavi who made it all disappear? Is she disappointed because she has to say goodbye to Lavi?

His large hand patting her head, that bright smile and sound laughter, those serve as a clear answer to his question. Why is he even asking? It's not like he's dealing with jealousy anyway.

He suddenly feels uncomfortable and lost, unable to realize that he has been staring below far too long.

* * *

Lenalee looks up at a certain window which is to Allen's room. It's a habit she has been bad at killing. Somehow, she always just wants to check up on him even from afar and looking at that window is one of those things she does. The bright sun's flare blocks a portion of her vision and makes her unable to recognize whatever or whoever is in that room. She places her hand by her forehead to shield her sight from this as her brows furrow. Maybe Allen and Link are still reporting their mission findings?

"Is something wrong?"

She faces Lavi who has a curious expression on his face. She brings her hand down and shakes her head. "Maybe... it was just my imagination."

How silly of her to think that Allen might be there watching. _He must be tired and hungry_, she thinks, that's why there's no way for him to just stare at them. "Besides, he would've called if he was really there," she softly mutters under her breathe.

Lavi doesn't quite catch whatever Lenalee is saying but he decides to follow her gaze. A smirk forms on his lips. "Well see yah Lenalee! Good luck with the missions. Keep safe!"

She smiles at him. Her missions look fairly easy compared to their usual, but she appreciates his words nonetheless. "Thanks!" she beams.

"Oh wait!" Lavi pulls her by the shoulder and wraps his arms around her, giving her a big bear hug.

The female exorcist is surprised by the sudden action but returns the gesture. How sweet of Lavi. She is touched and feels glad to have a friend comfort her like this. Back in the day, she had no one in the Order other than the strings that bind her to her bed. "Thank you Lavi, really. I'm alright now."

With her burden off her, Lenalee finally sets off in full spirits and in top condition.

Lavi waves at her retreating figure with a smile. With her presence now gone, the red-haired looks up at the window and gives someone a taunting smile.

* * *

"**Bastard."**

Allen's grip at the curtain becomes dangerously tight, almost ripping its threads and stitches. His jaw clenches and he forms an intent to pull Lavi's scarf and use it to hang him somewhere. Or probably just pull it, tight enough to suffocate him. The young man feels his black horns grow –_ Black Allen's summoning 67%._

"Oh is he?" Link's voice caves in.

In panic and shock, he accidentally grabs the cloth downward with too much force and weight, Allen falls on the floor with a loud thud, pulling the curtain rod and rails to his head in succession. "L-link-san, you're back. That was fast."

He forces a smile, trying to untangle his lying form from the disarrayed curtain. All sense of jealousy leaves him too, whether he admits or not that he did have the feeling.

The supervisor decides to ignore that and instead presents him some papers. "Your signature is needed on the report."

"Ah right right." He totally forgot about it a while ago. But given the circumstances that welcomed them upon their arrival, it couldn't be helped.

Grabbing a pen by the counter, Allen approaches Link, his eyes focused on the papers.

He uncaps the pen as he hears Link speak, "Miss Lee has left."

Allen tries his best not to show his jolt after the mention of her name. "Ah I see." He signs the paper with his gloved hand.

"Are you alright with _this_?"

"With what?" Allen stands straight after returning the cap of the pen, as he finishes afflicting his signature. He isn't really sure if he is liking that emphasis on his last word.

Link stares at the pretending boy, eyes narrowing.

"It is not in my job description but I cannot help but notice. Every time you come back from a mission, she is always the first one rushing to know your status and how you are doing. If I am not mistaken, you are clearly in favor of this considering that you blocked the door in order for me not to come in this room before."

Allen though not guilty (probably) of anything fails to look at Link in the eyes. He has no idea where this conversation is going. Or maybe he knows too well that's why he doesn't want it to continue. "I guess Lenalee has other things to do," he says as his lame attempt to end it.

Link, though not convinced, doesn't really push him more on the topic. Allen is glad that the weight is off him though. So he just watches Link fix the papers in his hands as he prepares himself to go out of the room.

Before closing the door, he speaks again. "Walker."

Upon the mention of his name, Allen bobs his head, giving his full attention–or at least of what he could muster after their earlier exchange.

"You signed on the Inspector's line. I'll prepare another set of papers, please sign above the Exorcist's line next time."

.

.

.

It is dinner time and even his appetite is clearly affected. The amounts didn't vary at all but his pace of consumption is slower than his records.

Allen didn't have much time to spend with his friends-being assigned to different missions and all, and he misses it a lot. Ever since the Order had him watched, those early days of being an exorcist seem to be a part of old memories right now. But he misses them and he probably can't express it best other than the change in his eating habit.

Eating with his friends has also been a routine. Those times he stole Lavi's _yakiniku_. When he smashed Ba-Kanda's face on his just emptied plate. And maybe... or_ truly_ those times Lenalee-

"Would you like a portion of this chocolate cake, Allen-kun?"

Allen immediately looks upfront with bright eyes wide open.

"Bleh..." Lavi's face, sticking his tongue out, welcomes his sight though.

Allen fights the urge to flip the table over him to hopefully erase Lavi in this world.

"I'm pretty good with voice imitation huh, don't ya think Allen?"

The younger exorcist scowls and starts digging in again. He hates to admit it, but Lavi is good. Really good. "Not really," of course he wouldn't tell him.

Lavi smiles and takes the seat in front of him, while Link continues eating quietly beside Allen. "So how was your mission?"

The white-haired settles his chopsticks near his dish before speaking, "It was pretty tiring."

Not bothering to swallow his food, he continues, "There was a level 4. Then a couple of level 3s but a bunch of level 1s and 2s. Despite that, there was no innocence in that area."

As Lavi watches him state a summary, it looked as if the energy and spirits drained from his face. Lavi is, of course, sharp to notice this.

"Do you want this?" Lavi asks gliding his plate of _yakiniku_ near Allen. Normally, Allen would've already made something to take revenge on him, like devouring it all or smacking it on his face, in line with his earlier pranks but the other exorcist looks poorly unmotivated to do so. He gets a deadpan look from Allen, who is clearly unamused.

"You know, if you want something, you have to do anything you can to get it," Lavi starts saying as he places his plate back to its original position.

"Just like now. I'm pretty sure you wanted to take revenge on me, no? Ruining my meal would truly declare quits wouldn't it? Nothing's restricting you Allen, except timing. When you're given the chance, you have to grab it, before it goes away forever. Just like... this," Lavi ended by eating the remaining slices and leaving his plate clean. He smiles and excuses himself to exit the cafeteria, leaving Allen and the inspector who just continue to eat.

* * *

"Say Link-san..."

Exactly one day after that encounter with Lavi, Allen speaks as he lays down on his bed, his palm atop his closed eyelids. During breakfast, snack time, lunch and even dinner, Allen didn't meet any of his close friends. It seemed like everybody is busy and it just made him more uneasy.

Link with his glasses on, flips the page of the book he is reading, _How to Handle Beansprouts_. Even with no reassurance that he was listening, Allen continues, "Is it wrong to wait for the right time?"

The supervisor once again flips a page but speaks, "I do not remember being a love adviser as part of my job, Mr. Walker."

Allen quickly stands up with white brows meeting and a glowing flush on his face. "L-love adviser... th-that's not what I meant Link!" He tries to remain calm and composed but fails miserably. It is never his intention to bring up his love life or probably anything about that topic, but Lavi's words bother him. And it just adds more to his dilemma.

He has always considered himself a patient person. Calling him the _Destroyer of Time_ is almost some kind of irony. He values time well as it is something that cannot be taken back but rushing into things just seems wrong. He learnt that through experience. Sometimes, letting yourself be guided by your raging emotions may bring you to situations you'd regret.

Memories of regret flashes through his mind in horror, and yet despite that, he starts doubting if he is making the right decisions in his life right now.

The sound of the book closing brings Allen back from his trance. Link stands up from his chair and looks outside the window. From his position, all Allen could see was the dark night sky but Link's eyes narrow. The supervisor is seeing something he couldn't see from his view. But the disturbing thing is his grim expression.

Just as Allen is about to ask, Link speaks, "It looks like Miss Lee has arrived from her mission..."

It is a statement with no tone but Allen jumps from his position and rushes to the window almost whacking Link out of the way, an intense worry filling him up. Something that resembles fear.

"What happe-?"

Only the street lamps are seen outside and nothing else. The strong worry slowly subsides but anger suddenly fills him this time. His gray eyes pierce Link's face, his vision almost distorted.

"You shouldn't joke about this Link!" Allen's left hand grabs Link's collar as his right hand balls into a fist ready to land a sound punch.

Link, though under a tight situation just stares back at him maintaining composure on his face. For what seemed like five seconds, Allen releases his collar and drops his vision to the carpeted floor."I-I'm sorry... Link-san."

The blond while fixing his crumpled collar speaks in the same tone, "As your supervisor, I am supposed to do my job and report your behavior earlier..."

Allen bites his lip and closes his eyes. He isn't supposed to make his situation worse. He wants to bang himself on the wall right now as if it would relieve him of the situation. These are some of the situations he hates when he acts upon his emotions.

"...however, it was my fault for provoking you and I apologize for that."

Allen looks up and sees the supervisor's back facing him. "Link-san..."

"Reflect on your earlier reaction. That can probably answer your questions. I will be outside the room. You need this room for yourself and I trust that you will not do anything suspicious, yes?" Even without a response from the exorcist, Link drags a chair by the door, exits the room, then closes it.

Being left alone is something Allen didn't have in mind. He is pretty sure a while ago that he needed someone to talk to, but it somehow makes sense that he needs to think again on his own. "Thank you," he says though the one he wanted to thank already left.

* * *

Distraction is something Lenalee always shoos away in her mind. As an exorcist in a war against the _akuma_, even petty things like getting distracted can cost one's life. As an exorcist, her full focus should be on her tasks and on her missions. Concentration is a crucial element of the job. That's why there should be no room for any distraction.

However, her current condition negates all these thoughts.

"So... Elizabeth-san... may I ask why we are in such a place?" she asks the female finder who was assigned to accompany her as they stroll around.

Elizabeth Morris, one of the few females in the Order chuckles at the question and Lenalee is slightly taken aback by this reaction.

"Forgive me for being amused. I just never thought you would ask."

"Eh?"

"Well, we've been walking for a good hour of silence now."

Lenalee blinks but continues to observe their surroundings. She also does not really know how to reply. All this time, she thought she's been doing a great job, but it seemed that she was still bothered by the recent happenings back at the headquarters.

She shakes her head to hopefully shake away the thoughts too and looks around again. They are in the city's plaza where the benches, the gardens, and almost all corners are filled with sweet couples and happy families. Mostly couples though, much to her chagrin and discomfort that she doesn't want to admit.

The plaza is full of people as if celebrating some sort of celebration. She remembers checking the calendar earlier and it is still half a year until Valentine's Day.

"Does this town celebrate Valentine's day today?" But that was a dumb question. The plaza didn't have any hearts at all that indicated the special holiday.

To try and let go of the embarrassment, she starts noticing the clown selling balloons by the corner. The said clown smiles when their eyes meet and she could tell how genuine it is even under that thick layer of colorful makeup. She returns the smile and brings back her attention to the older finder.

Elizabeth laughs more openly this time. "Valentine's Day isn't the only day to be sweet you know."

"You're right," Lenalee laughs while her teal hair strands sway with the wind. "I guess with the missions here and there, for me, special occasions are the only days that I can see sweetness and carefreeness. In fact, at times of emergency, even special occasions are neglected."

Silence envelops them for a while until Elizabeth says something.

"Forgive me Lenalee-sama. I know that we are supposed to go back and report to the Order today and instead here we are here, taking a detour."

The exorcist opens her mouth but closes it again to listen further.

"For your question though... do not worry. Valentine's Day is nowhere near today in this town. It just seems that most couples hang out here when it's almost sunset."

The answer to her question sparks an interest in her. "Why is that?" 

Lenalee couldn't hide this curiosity. When sunset comes during missions (the only times that she is outside), they usually spend time looking for inns who will accept them so maybe she really never had the opportunity to just enjoy the sun waving its goodbye to make way for the night.

The finder stares at the exorcist and smiles. "Don't you think sunsets are romantic?" Elizabeth answers Lenalee with another remark rather than a real answer. This question takes her by surprise and the second one, "Hasn't your boyfriend asked you to watch the sunset with him?" makes her face flush.

"B-boyfriend?" She waves her hand frantically, "I-I ha-have no such thing!" Just how many times will the same word make her agitated like this?

Elizabeth watches Lenalee's face intently, trying to decipher her expressions. "Could it be?"

She tries to swallow her nervousness and panic. "...Could it be what, Elizabeth-san?"

Elizabeth just smiles, not wishing to press it any longer. "You know what? I really wouldn't want to add to your discomfort. Though it can be amusing, I do apologize for that and for dragging you here."

"It's not really something to apologize for Elizabeth-san. But I really want to know why you chose to be here?" There are a lot of places one could possibly choose as detour. She could've chosen a fancy restaurant or perhaps a cozy spa since they are being funded by the organization. However, she decides to pass by a busy plaza? Lenalee couldn't help but question her reasons.

"It's just... it's been a while since I did something non-work related. We've been using every minute, every second of our lives on hunting _akuma_. There is nothing wrong with that of course. But I feel like I am not getting any younger. I keep missing days to relax, to live normally and just to live my life. So at times... walking slowly and appreciating whatever's around us... I think it's something that should be done occasionally."

The younger female drowns in Elizabeth's words.

Just as Lenalee thinks, the finder's words can't affect her more, "And most of all, you have to consider that these things are only here now at this very moment. You can't appreciate them anymore once they're gone. So while I still have the chance to value their existence, here I am, not wanting to miss a chance."

Lenalee then places her hand on the finder's shoulder. "I understand. No need to apologize."

As Elizabeth lets her eyes travel to the sun almost setting, Lenalee's falls on that clown on the other side.

* * *

"You okay?"

Allen didn't even bother to look after hearing the voice and realizing who owns it. "Well, it's good that you asked."

He watches the shadow play just by his feet and seeing the tall figure further confirms the identity of the voice owner.

He sighs. He isn't in the mood for Lavi to interrupt his musings. However, more than three days of isolation wouldn't help him at all. A company would definitely be best for him.

Lavi sits beside the white-haired exorcist. They are in one of the stairways near the halls. Because of the arc system adopted in the Order, most people use it and stay away from long passages like the stairs. "Quite ironic that the controller of the arc is here. Alone. In the stairs. In solitude. With no company. Sitting al-"

"I get it already, thank you very much," Allen cuts him off.

"Well someone's being extra grumpy today."

Allen sighs. "You would be if I was being a _Lavi_ to you."

The red-haired man almost laughs out loud at the clown's retort. He of all knew what this young man is going through. "Why are you alone though? Your moled nanny's not with ya."

"You could say Link-san has other orders he's attending to. He has no replacement but I'm pretty sure we are being watched. At least, I am," his last statement comes out of his lips bitterly.

"What if I tell you that _I am_ the replacement?"

This time, Allen turns to face his fellow exorcist – an attempt to read his friend's expression, except that it was his eyepatch that welcomed his sight.

Allen makes a face, "That was a joke wasn't it?" He presses a finger on his temple, "Oh wait. In fact, you don't have to answer me."

Instead of another nudge, Lavi replies, "Yep. But I meant every word I said the other day though."

Allen, sensing the direction of the subject decides to stare at the wall. "I know." There is no way out. And he knows that this should really be dealt with–to end his misery.

"If you knew... why are you still undecided?"

"It's not that easy."

"What is so difficult with being honest?"

"Who even said telling the truth is easy?"

"Well, maybe you are just a coward." Lavi's voice is starting to sound sharp and louder in every comeback.

"Fine! Call me a coward for knowing that rushing things and that rushing _her_ would not do any good!" Allen stands abruptly with knitted eyebrows and a dark glare.

Lavi stands as well, matching the level of rage building up. "This is not about rushing, this is about_ you_, being a coward and scared as hell from speaking the truth!"

"No! This is about _you_, rushing me into confessing with no thoughts on other things that we have to consider! Our lives as exorcists are never easy, Lavi! _You_ of all people should understand what I'm saying, Lavi!"

Lavi's fists start clenching as he tries to stop himself from landing a punch on his friend's face. He grips Allen's uniform's collar with both hands and boar his eye to his in hopes of making him understand. His height proves its advantage. "Then tell me! Just how long will you have to wait, you bastard named Allen Walker? Until she meets someone else? Until her body's gone cold!? We're in a _war,_ goddammit!"

Allen's shocked expression makes him loosen his grip and let his collar off. "You said it yourself, our lives as exorcists are not easy. I am not rushing you for laughs or just to torment you. But I want to make you understand. We're not sure until when we'll be able to see each other."

Lavi breathes out loudly. "Who knows what will happen in our next missions?" It is clear that the words leaving him right now pain him as well.

Sometimes, Lavi had always been hard to read. Maybe most of the time, actually. But right now, seeing his slumped shoulders, Allen is convinced that he is just a caring friend right now and that makes him feel shame for brushing the topic off.

The white-haired attempts to fix his collar as he listens to Lavi – each word digging deep into him. "_You _of all people should understand what I'm saying, Walker." He flinches upon hearing his own words bounce back at him; his last name rubbing salt on the wound.

The loud thump of Allen sitting back on the staircase, fills the silent hall.

Lavi sighs and takes his former spot beside Allen. For what seemed like a ten-minute duration of silence, the younger exorcist speaks up. "Do you know which town she's in right now?"

The red-haired can only smile, "Thought you'd never ask."

* * *

_Coward. Coward. Coward._

"We're leaving already?" Lenalee asks Elizabeth, both surprised and disappointed. With all the realizations she had with their small talk, she is starting to enjoy their small break. Or rather, she is starting to discover deeper things in this silence, in this solitude.

Elizabeth makes a slightly surprised face, "Well, I was thinking that you'd want to watch the sunset with another person you know, rather than an older female finder." The said finder stands up from her sitting position, stretches both of her arms upward, satisfied with the cracking sounds that fill her ears.

Lenalee eyes the distance, with an unreadable smile on her lips. Elizabeth is right. Apart from trying to crack her, that remark actually makes sense, as they have to return to the headquarters to hand in reports. But, something is beginning to swell inside of her. It is an unexplainable feeling. Judging from the slowly changing skies, sunset is to come in minutes, and this seems to matter for her for some reason.

She looks down, in an attempt to take away her gaze from the sky. This catches more of Elizabeth's attention. Lenalee, with a sour and confused expression, bites her lip. Elizabeth smiles, "That's what I call, a mix of patience and faith."

The young girl gives the finder a quizzical look. She feels glad that with no words, Elizabeth is able to sense her mixed thought bubbles. But what does she exactly mean by patience and faith? Is it possible that Elizabeth is not just able to sense, but also to define and understand whatever she is feeling right now? "I... I'm really not sure of what I'm feeling right now. This is... the first time that I felt like this. It's like I don't want to leave yet."

Her hands crumple into a pair of fists shaking atop her lap. "It bothers me that I am delaying our responsibilities in the Order, but somehow this unexplainable feeling is getting the better of me. Calling it patience and faith... I-I... just what exactly am I feeling, Elizabeth-san?"

She only smiles, standing still next to Lenalee's seated figure. "It makes me happy that you entrust such a crucial question to me, though sorry to disappoint you, I don't really know how to answer that."

Lenalee looks down on her fists, at loss for words and thoughts. What if this is futile? What if, she was just confusing exhaustion with that faith and patience? What if the talk was just getting to her and she's letting unexplored feelings get the best of her? What if...?

What if this breaks her?

"You know, none of us really knows the answer, but... waiting is the only way to find out, right?" Elizabeth excuses herself and buys some balloons from the clown, leaving the exorcist sitting alone.

Slowly, a perfect blend of indigo and orange hues filling the skies, reflects in her lavender eyes. The sun descends to the point where the remaining light kisses the darkened horizon. No wonder she makes a fool out of herself, asking why people are gathered there. Yes, she is a fool for not seeing how the sunset is this breathtaking.

She is an exorcist. She has been too dedicated to being one-which is not wrong- but she is human as well. More than being an exorcist, she is Lenalee Lee.

But maybe, it's not that she fails to see everything around her. It's more of an escape to the things surrounding her. Not as an exorcist, but as a human, vulnerability grows inside of her by each second. All the worries and anxieties of being human, of committing mistakes, and of knowing that death may come in any instant... These all fill her.

Maybe being an exorcist empowers her strength, not just physically but mentally. Maybe being an exorcist gives her the courage to live, and to keep things moving forward. Maybe being an exorcist shelters her from seeing the little things that are surrounding her. Maybe being an exorcist hinders her from losing things she has seen in her life.

Maybe being an exorcist stops her emotions from overflowing.

"I'm such a coward!" She immediately stands from her position and vows to herself. She can't just wait. She can't just wait for him. She has to act. She has to say it from her own lips.

"The-then... so am I…!"

In a snap she turns to her back, abandoning the view she was mesmerized with a while ago.

"Allen-kun!?"

With a tired smile in-between his quick pants, he approaches her. He bends down a little and rests his hands on his knees. "Good thing… you haven't left yet," he says in relief, still panting, shoulders rising and falling.

"What are you doing here…? And… did you just run all the way from the Order?!" Her eyes must be as wide as saucers right now. Because unlike her who has her Dark Boots to aid her in such task, Allen doesn't possess an innocence that is fit for running.

Allen gives Lenalee a thumbs-up. "Bingo. It's almost a miracle… that you're here at the nearest town from HQ."

Lenalee encourages Allen to sit, worrying for him. Any mark of red leaves her face, all the motivation a while ago gone. Right now, all the room she has in herself is for her worry about him.

"Allen-kun, this is the nearest town, but running on foot? Did you need anything so bad?" Her worry for him gets the better of her drive.

The white-haired refuses to take a seat. He shakes his head and looks at her with some intensity that seems to be foreign for her.

Allen pulls her hands with his, and surprisingly, Lenalee doesn't flinch from the contact. He places her left hand on his chest.

"C-can you feel it?" He starts unsure and nervous, almost hearing the loud pounds of his heart beating. But he could feel it pushing and bumping from his chest, the force reaching his hand even with Lenalee's in between.

Lenalee, though quite shocked by the gesture and question, tries to maintain composure. "Y-yes. That's what you get for running all the way here!"

He almost laughs at her remark, in which she pouts in return. "Why are you laughing, Allen-kun?!" Her face burns possibly darker in uncertain embarrassment.

Allen leans closer, their foreheads almost touching. The nervousness dies down when Lenalee stares back at him, glued to the spot.

"I love you."

What is it like to fall in love? Link says only he could answer that. Lavi says it has something to do with timing. Komui says it's "Lenalee-chwan." Elizabeth says it's a mix of faith and patience. Lenalee says…

"I… I love you too."

Maybe none of those definitions matters. Maybe _this_ is all that matters.

**Author's Note:**

> After rereading and editing this, I still feel lots of emotions. I'm really, really glad I wrote it. The nostalgia hit me. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be writing any more DGM fics in the (near) future, but AlLena will always have my heart <3 and I hope to at least see how DGM ends before I leave this world xD (We still root for you, Hoshino-sensei, though silently!)  
Also to be honest, I'm in the middle of writing a BNHA fic right now, and somehow I just can't produce words up to my liking... it's frustrating, so I'm glad I gave this a glance.  
Thanks for reading if you do finish it ^^


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